Quotes…or Who Am I? Part 4…

Do you think he is taking nice pics of us? I h...

Do you think he is taking nice pics of us? I have no idea. (Photo credit: Takashi(aes256))

I saw two quotes posted on my Facebook timeline today that really have me thinking. One at a time followed by my rambling.

The first is: “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” (From what I can find this is from George Bernard Shaw)

It is funny to me that just a few days ago I wrote the blog posts about who I am, a question that was never fully answered because it can never fully be answered, and this quote should find its way into my life. My first thought was: “So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong.” I’ve spent so much time trying to find myself that I think I forgot to really create myself in the first place. I’ve put a piece in here and a piece in there, but I forgot to fill in the other pieces thinking that I just needed to find them. But I don’t need to find them, I need to create them and put them all together and be me. So the question becomes: Who Do I Want To Be? I can be anyone I want, as long as I’m me!

The second is: “Why waste your time getting hurt over and over by the same person when there’s someone else out there that’s better…waiting to make you smile.

To me this doesn’t just mean physically hurt, it also means emotionally, verbally and mentally. I also go a step further than some others though and consider being emotionally unavailable a form of hurting someone. If you’ve read many of my blogs that talk about Dick, and how many of them don’t since he is my favorite subject to piss and moan about, then you might have realized that I consider him an emotional abuser who is also emotionally unavailable. I’m sure he has feelings, everybody does, but I don’t think a person who just met him would find him to be anything more than a self-centered, cold-hearted ass. Even after being with him for 14 years that is the way he presents himself to me. Every once in a while he does something obviously sweet, and he wants you to acknowledge it but only in a way that makes you feel like you worshiping him for the gracious act of kindness.

As much as I have come to love his parents I have to say that I believe his upbringing is a big reason for the way he acts, but as an adult he could choose to work on making some changes if he would recognize it when others say something to him. I am not the only person who has ever said something to him about his emotional unavailability and his over-thinking everything until he finds a way to make himself look good (even at the cost of others). After all these years, I believe it’s a chose to stay the way he is, and that’s something that he will have to live with because why should I continue to let him hurt me over and over.

I’m the type of person who believes that the person you are in love with should be your best friend. You should be able to talk to them about anything and cry on their shoulder when you need to (except when you’re angry with them of course and then you should calm down first). Dick has never been my best friend, I have always felt like I have to walk on egg shells when speaking to him because if I reveal too much of how I feel then he might go off on his rant about how big of a selfish-bitch I am. This being just an example of him being emotionally unavailable.

It’s those times when I really miss my Mamma, or course I also hear her saying “Why the hell are you still there, come home if you have too, then I could spend time with my grandbaby.” And if my Mamma was here I think I would have taken her up on that a few years ago when I started coming to my senses. But sadly she’s not so I will do what I have to do in order to make sure I can take care of my son, but I will not continue to let him hurt me over and over.


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