Who Am I? part 2…

The ATV is commonly called a quad (bike) in Au...

The ATV is commonly called a quad (bike) in Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, the United Kingdom and parts of Canada, India and the United States. They are used extensively in agriculture, because of their speed and light footprint. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While we were apart in 2006, I did things that I didn’t think I would ever do. I went out and I had a good time and I lived and I worked and I made it. At the same time I was completely heartbroken because I really did love him. He finally started coming around and we started talking and doing some things together then one day we just sort of ended up back together. He showed up while I was arguing with my mother’s husband and what an idiot he was (mother’s husband that is), and I told him I was moving out and would be gone by that evening. Dick had pulled up in time to hear me say I was moving out and saw me putting Ty’s and my things on the porch. He just started loading them up in his truck and said, “its past time for you to come home anyway.”

And he continued to support me while I worked on finishing my Bachelor’s Degree. Then while I was looking for work afterwards, and even when I decided to start working on my Master’s degree. He has always give me things that I wanted, or made sure I had things. He knew I wanted a third generation Firebird so he searched until he found one I could afford. He knew I wanted a bigger car so he searched until he found one I could afford and he could fix. I wanted a 4-wheeler so he found one, and recently he found a scooter because he knew I wanted one. He does all these little things, but it always feels like there’s a condition attached to most of them. Take the 4-wheeler, he told me he was getting it for me because he knew I wanted one, but if I ever say it’s mine he laughs. If I don’t manage to get the scooter titled in my name and I ever leave that’s when he’ll say he bought it so it’s not mine. Even though he tells everyone he bought it for me.

He has only been to one IEP meeting for Ty, and never to a doctor’s appointment, though he has been at any surgery that needed done and he was there when he was born. Dick has always taken care of me when it comes to the physical things I need (and I’m not talking about sex because for the last 4-5 years I have been completely turned off by him sexually and only give in when I’m thinking of looking elsewhere), but I feel so empty and alone emotionally.

I feel like I am growing up and growing into who I was supposed to be. I have started standing up for myself and not letting him just railroad me. I don’t pretend to like the things he does and I let him know that I like things that he doesn’t and won’t give them up just because he doesn’t like them. Before I met him I liked hockey, but I let him and life just get in the way to where I kept up with it but didn’t truly follow it or watch it like I wanted to. Then I started watching again. Dick said “oh you’ll be over it in a year or so, then I won’t have to worry about it anymore.” Three years later I’m still watching and trying to go to games and wondering why I’m still here.

To be continued again…


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Barefoot Baroness
    May 14, 2012 @ 10:34:41

    Thank you so much for rferencing my post about When Daughters Become Mothers Too.
    How kind.
    I can read from just this piece that you are struggling with what life has tossed in your direction. Hang in there, it will settle down to where the tide does not keep pulling you under,


  2. Trackback: Who Am I? « My Loopy World
  3. Trackback: Who Am I? part 3… « My Loopy World

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