Who Am I?

Jump! Deutsch: Spring!

Jump! Deutsch: Spring! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately. Who am I? Who have I become? Who do I want to be? Today I just feel like crying. I’m stressed, I’m PMSing, and I just plain feel like depressed crap. This is not the person I want to be, or the way I want to feel.

I have spent the last 14 and 1/2 years with a man who more often than not gets on my very last nerve. Is it his fault, or mine? I have spent the last 13 years feeling like a single parent despite living in the same house with the only man my son has every known as his father. I have been asked more than once “why do you stay?”.

Why do I stay? There are so many reasons that I would say many people can relate too. I grew up in around some very abusive men that left me feeling wild and worthless. I moved here fresh out of a failed marriage and became a low-level “player”. I needed someone to pay attention to me and Dick did in a big way. We didn’t get along well from the beginning so it should not have been a surprise when we split up after eight months. We didn’t even speak for two months after that. Then he ran his car off the road and I sent a message through my mother that I hoped he was okay and to be more careful in the future. Well somehow after that we started talking again, but I had been seeing someone else.

I got smart and made the decision to leave the person I was seeing. He was/is just not a good person. He drank heavily and often. He was happy to let me do anything I wanted as long as I asked his permission first and then did not defy his decision. I did not have to work if I did not want to but if I did work I could only spend my money on what he approved. So I got smart and decided to leave, and somehow got myself, my dog and my stuff out of there alive and leaving him being the one bleeding after he punched the wall of pictures beside my head.

I went straight to Dick’s house (even though we had only been talking again for about a month) and told him what happened, after he laughed at me a bit he said “Well let’s get your car hidden for a few days.” Which is exactly what we did, a move that also started me on the road to making the greatest best friend a person could ask for. Dick and I got back together and the next month I found out that I was  four months pregnant.

You see at his core Dick is not really a dick, but for some reason he has to act like he is all the time. So instead of asking me to go, he just didn’t ask me to leave when I gave him the option. He made sure that I was taken care of, that my car was in good shape, that I was okay. But I’ve always felt like I was just outside of his “circle”. He was sharing his space with me and he cared about me but I was never quite allowed completely into his world.

We broke up again in 2006 and got back together about three months later.

To be continued….. -more-

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Who Am I? part 2… « My Loopy World

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