Today has been blah

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I don’t like blah days, blah days just lead to more blah days. I refuse to let tomorrow be a blah day because I am going to the Predators practice and hanging out with some really great friends that I have made over the last few months! Two of my new friends are great guys going through some major heart-break. It’s hard to watch, and I try so hard to help them see their way through it, but they are guys so sometimes they just don’t want to listen to anything. They are busy throwing their pity parties, which when your heart is broken is well within your right to do I think. I remember what it’s like to feel so broken-hearted, and to not know how you’re going to recover from it. I wonder sometimes if I could have dealt with the failure of my marriage if I had not had other tragedies in my past. I know that it would still have been hard for me to deal with, but I think I made it more difficult by beating myself up like I always did anyway.

It’s amazing to me to look back on my life and see all the mistakes I made and the decisions that I chose to follow. Did I drink to forget or just because it was what I knew? Did I chose man I fell in love with because I had feelings for him or because he showed me enough kindness to make me think that I had feelings for him? These are just a couple of the things that I can’t figure out. Everyday I still wonder if I am making the right decisions, and if it’s the real me that’s making the decisions or the me that developed to protect the child that I should have been. I can look at other people and I know about some of the demons they are fighting. I can read what someone types and know the energy they were releasing when they typed it. If they were angry I know it, if they were laughing I can feel it. But I look at me and I’m confused. I wish I could snap my fingers and figure it all out. I want to know what the right thing to do is, if I’m still following the right path, but all I can do is follow my heart and trust my instincts.

I will keep trying to help my friends see past their pain and I look forward to seeing them leave it behind a little at a time. There’s one that I worry isn’t being honest with himself about something, and it could cause pain to two people if I’m not wrong. However, I also see that he’s in a bad spot right now and that the only thing he needs to figure out is who his friends are. As long as he leans on them he will get through this really hard time in one piece; my concern is that he’s to busy beating himself up to look past his pain. We all have those times, I can’t remember if I’m looked past mine yet.

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