Shook up my confidence today

Ondřej Pavelec playing for the 2006-2007 Cape ...

Ondřej Pavelec Image via Wikipedia

I never did post yesterday, it was a busy day of doctor appointments and pharmacies and the completely dreaded Wal-mart (aka Hell-mart). When I got home I just didn’t have the energy for anything.

Today was a good day, the boss was out of the office so work was slow-paced and in no way stressful. As I was on my way home this afternoon I was thinking about NaNoWriMo and if I wanted to participate this year and my mind just exploded. It all started when I thought “what book do I have in me that people would want to read?” Well that just started the full confidence tumble because the next thoughts were “why am I in college?” “I’m not going to get able to get a good job when I’m done.” “Nobody will want to hire me.” “I just need to realize that I’m all country hick and that’s where I should stay.” Yes I was being really hard on myself there for a few minutes. I took a deep breath, realized what I was doing to myself and decided I  wasn’t going to do that to myself. Though I admit that I was literally shaking for those few minutes.

I still will have to fight to keep my confidence every day. Not only about getting a job, or writing a book, but also about life in general. I’ve never had a lot of self-confidence in my life. I spent my youth being told that I was a fat, lazy, lair who would never amount to anything. It took me a long time to get past that programming, but I finally left the man who gave his sperm to my creation, and spent my youth trying to insure that I had no self-confidence, behind 2 and 1/2 years ago. That was when the real work on my self-confidence started if I am being honest. I also have to be careful at the times when J. does things that remind me of the man who gave his sperm to create me. That however is still a different story, that I’m not quite ready to get completely into.

Tomorrow is the season opener for the Predators, and I’m disappointed that I’m not going to be there. I am hoping that it will show on TV at least, but I will just have to wait and see. Season officially started yesterday so there were several games tonight. The Washington Capitals played the Atlanta Thrashers and had some unfortunate drama early in the game. Atlanta Thrashers goalie Ondrej Pavelec collapsed around the 2:25 mark of the first period. Luckily the last word was that he had regained consciousness and was stable. Many hockey fans, myself included, do not care what team they play for when it comes to serious injuries we always wish them a speedy recovery.

And now that I realize that I am getting loopy from lack of sleep and it is affecting my writing I am going to take my itchy, healing wrist to bed! I will add that I did manage to pop the muscles in that wrist today and it really hurt. Also sorry about the numerous Wikipedia links, I will try to change it tomorrow after sleep and getting homework done. I still haven’t decided about NaNoWriMo though.

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